


Failure and Fault

by hufflepuffsquee



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Major Character Death, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:44:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6403591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflepuffsquee/pseuds/hufflepuffsquee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You threatened to practically raze the city for the sake of one apostate! What in the world did you think my reaction was going to be, Sebastian?!"</p><p>Serena's complex feelings about Anders' death come to a head, blame is misplaced, and harsh words exchanged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failure and Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Sebastian's parts were written by [darkspawn-mage](http://archiveofourown.org/users/darkspawn_mage/pseuds/darkspawn_mage) as part of a role-play.
> 
> For more information on Serena, visit http://puffbadgersandbees.tumblr.com/DAWorldstate

“You threatened to practically raze the city for the sake of one apostate! What in the world did you think my reaction was going to be, Sebastian?! It was either murder my friend or put this city as risk again. You know who would have suffered for that? Aveline! Varric! Every friend we’ve made would have to decide if they were going to be able to defend this city against **you** for the sake of **one man**. It wouldn’t even be about Anders once you brought the damned army, don’t TELL me you don’t realize that!”

“I- wouldn’t hurt _them_!” He splutters, and he himself is not sure how true it is. “What hope would there be for Kirkwall if…” if _you_ failed it. He can’t say that to her. If he hadn’t made those threats, would she be failing the city, or just failing Sebastian?

It had felt like the right thing to do, in the moment. He had to demand justice. Murderers shouldn’t be allowed to just get away with it! If it was in Sebastian’s power to stop them from getting away with it, was that not the right thing to do?

Why doesn’t she understand? Standing there staring at the smoke where the Chantry used to be, he couldn’t breathe. His family died, and Sebastian had thought he’d never feel that way again, but he _had_ , and he had—

She blames him.

They’d won, that night. The mages had escaped the Rite of Annulment. Yet they’d lost; _she’d_ lost everything, again. Including a friend by her own hand. The sudden realization of the sheer weight of all this and what it means for him, for them, sends him mentally reeling.

Sebastian lost Elthina, and he blames Anders. Serana lost Anders, and she blames Sebastian.

He doesn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t _make_ him…” No, that’s not helpful, he realizes quickly as her eyes narrow. He paces the floor a few times. “ _You_ taught me that–” but the words catch in his throat when he sees the look on her face.

He clasps his hands and says a silent prayer about this. He needs her to give him the time and the space to do that.

“… Perhaps I over-reacted,” he says. It sounds hollow, empty. The Maker didn’t answer, but Sebastian is pretending that He did. He’s not being deliberately insincere, but he feels nothing. “I’m sorry.”

Inadequate. Sebastian knows better than anyone that apologies don’t bring back the dead, and truth be told, Sebastian doesn’t even want this one to. He just wants her to stop hurting, and he has no idea how to even begin accomplishing that.

“Perhaps.” She is standing, arms crossed and eyes narrowed, ignoring the sting at the corners and the burn in her nose. “ _Perhaps_.” A snort.

She sighs. Rubs the back of her neck, squeezing her eyes shut. Maybe she’d have lost Anders anyway. To the Templars. To Meredith. To the sheer fact that he would never have been able to stay anywhere near the Free Marches afterward.

But none of those scenarios ended with her scrubbing his blood off of her hands, her daggers, the armor that had been sitting at the bottom of her wardrobe since that night. She’d nearly been sick, leaving his body behind like that. She’d gone back, relieved to find it, by some miracle, exactly where it had been left. She’d taken care of him. There had been no one else to.

“I know you’re sorry.” She finally replies, and the words are just as hollow as the apology itself had been. “I know that. It changes nothing. He… Perhaps death was the answer. I don’t… What he did was wrong, and a lot of good people died for it. He should have… There needed to be payment for that. But right then? It… You know it didn’t need to happen right then. You know it didn’t have to be at my hand. But you…”

She takes a breath, not to stop the words, but simply to ensure they don’t come out as loudly as she was about to let them.

“You told me it was murder him or face the army you brought. How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to act?”

“If not at your hand, then whose?” Sebastian counters. “At Meredith’s? Anders would have started another blood-bath right then and there if she’d moved for him, and it wouldn’t have been justice even if she’d succeeded. Kirkwall has -had- no Viscount. Thanks to Anders, it had no Grand Cleric! It had a Knight-Commander and a Champion, and one of them was clearly unfit to carry out her duty. I’d have done it myself if I’d had any authority to, but I didn’t. It had to be you. Anders _wanted_ it to be you! Would you have been any more eager to do it after a few hours had passed? Or were you simply hoping that he’d have a chance to escape while all the Templars were busy slaughtering innocents?”

“If you’re so offended by ‘perhaps’ then perhaps we should talk about yours! 'Perhaps’ death was the answer? Do the hundreds of lives he took mean so little to you? I only made those threats because _you_ refused to carry out your duty!” Sebastian sighed. “I shouldn’t have. It was impulsive and stupid and the last thing that I want is to hurt Aveline and Fenris and the other good people in Kirkwall. But do you know what’s even more unforgivable than me threatening to annex the city? Anders _actually_ destroying half the city! Death **was** the answer. You and I have both passed down that sentence over far less, as has my father, and every good ruler since the dawn of time. And I’m _sorry_ it had to be you, Serena. I truly am. I’m sorry you had to make the decision, and I’m sorry you had to make it immediately, but you’re _supposed_ to act according to your duty! You can feel how you like, but I’m not the murderer who put you in that position.”

Serena blinks at him, feeling at once hollowed out an heavy. When had she ever given him the impression that the lives lost at the Chantry meant nothing to her? Furthermore, when had she ever said she wanted to be Champion? All she had _ever_ wanted, from the moment she set foot in this city, was to ensure that she and her family could just live. She’d gone to great lengths to try to ensure that, and even those had failed, and she’d ended up the Champion anyway.

It was Anders’ fault. She knew that. That didn’t stop her wanting someone still _here_ to blame, and for once, just one time, she didn’t want it to be herself. At least for a while. She wanted, for once, to have someone to be angry about -or maybe even just _with_ \- about another loss she couldn’t prevent. She wanted to scream and cry and have someone take that from her, whatever the Hell that meant.

“I didn’t want him to escape, Sebastian!” She finally says, with more venom than perhaps she should. “I didn’t want him to blow up the Chantry! I don’t know who decided it had to be my duty, I don’t know who decided to put some title on me that I never asked for simply because I didn’t want my friends at family dead at the hands of a Qunari horde! I never asked for this, I never wanted any of this, I simply…”

She stops, shoulders falling. She doesn’t have any words, she doesn’t have any more defenses, she just has… She’s not even certain any more. She’d known when Sebastian confronted her that she was about to lose _someone_. She’d had a good idea that if she didn’t kill Anders, she’d have lost them both. And now… Now it almost looked like she was about to lose them both anyway, so what did any of it matter?

Sebastian sighs.

“I know you didn’t ask for it,” he says, almost stepping forward to her but thinking better of it. “And Anders didn’t ask to be a mage and I didn’t ask for my father and brothers to die and force me out of the Chantry, and Viscount Dumar didn’t ask to have his head cut off. That’s in the Maker’s hands. I didn’t make you the Champion. I didn’t kill Viscount Dumar. I didn’t commit the crime that you executed Anders for.” Sebastian swallows hard. “You said you weren’t going to kill him. What was I supposed to take away from that other than the fact that her–that _their_ lives just didn’t matter to you? What do you think would have happened if you’d let him go? Even if he’d never done it again–and you have no reason to believe that–you’d have been sending a clear message that murder was perfectly acceptable in Kirkwall, at least as long as you’re friends with the Champion. I had rather hoped that you’d do better than that for the city, but if you wouldn’t…”

No.

He can’t look at her. “You killed Quentin,” he said. “You killed the ogre that slayed your brother. You killed the Knight-Commander that threatened your sister. I asked for help getting revenge on those who killed my family, and you helped me. I thought you understood! I thought you knew what it felt like to watch someone you loved -someone it was _your job to protect_ \- die, and to hate yourself and know that the _only_ thing you could do for them now was get justice for them.”

Had she forgotten his vow to protect Elthina? Had she forgotten how much he loved Elthina, and everything he had told her about Elthina? Elthina had listened to him when no one else had. She’d respected and protected him when he’d been scared and alone and angry. She’d guided him and loved him even when he hadn’t deserved it, and the _one thing_ he could do for her in return was keep her safe, and he’d utterly failed at that. There’d been nothing left but to avenge her.

And now there was just nothing left.

“I’d told Anders I was going to protect him, too.” She hurls back, “When I met him. Just like I was protecting my sister, just like I’ve always wanted to protect mages. Yes, I’ve killed people and monsters and I’ve protected people. It was my job before the city decided that, it practically became my job when my father died!” She stops, breathing hard.

“ I wouldn’t change the choice I made, you must know that. I _need_ you to know that…” She clears her throat and pretends that her voice isn’t straining the way it is, acts like it didn’t crack on the word ‘need’. She’s looking at Sebastian again, even though his eyes are on the floor, and she’s practically begging him to understand, even if she can’t. One of them must. One of them has to, otherwise they’ll shatter and won’t be able to pick up those pieces. And her heart can’t take that.

“I do understand…. Either way I was hurting someone I was close to. Someone I wanted to protect. No matter what I did, I was failing someone, _again_ , because that’s all I seem able to do… And now it just… It was the right decision. I’d make it again. That doesn’t mean that it was easy to make or easy to live with. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t _hurt_ and that doesn’t mean I didn’t fail him by not noticing what he was doing.”

She turns away, starting to pace just for the sake of something to do, because she needs something. She feels like she doesn’t have anything, really, but pacing has to, at least for this moment, count for something.

“You… Don’t need to stay.” She finally says, stopping and staring at the fire. “I apologize for taking this out on you, Sebastian. You can go if you need to.”

“Making the wrong decision would have been hard too,” Sebastian says, quietly. “Harder, in the long run. At least now you have the knowledge that you did the right thing.”

'Anders failed you. Not the other way around.’ He almost says it, but he stops himself. He doesn’t think it’s going to help her to hear that right now.

“I’m sorry I made it more difficult for you. I would like to stay, but I will leave if my presence is… not something you can handle right now.”

She laughed a little at that, a sound that verged on hysterical.

“Sebastian, I don’t know what I want right now. I don’t know if it would be better for me if you stayed or went. I… I don’t think it would be better if you left, but I don’t _know_. Not just about you being here, but about _anything_.” Even as she says it, the true weight of it settles as an unspoken conclusion: ‘I don’t even know who I am.’

“I’ll stay, for now,” Sebastian says. “Tell me if you decide you don’t want me to.”

He’s silent for several seconds. He wants, needs, to think of something to stay that would stop them from talking in circle at each other anymore. Their faith in each other is deeply shaken, and these wounds are too fresh and too deep to be lanced right now. Perhaps one day, Sebastian would forgive Anders, as he’d forgiven the Harrimanns. Perhaps one day, Serana would forgive Sebastian. Not right now, not tonight.

He turns away at last, back to the guest room that has become his in the wake of the destruction of his home. He doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t hear Serena go to bed that night, either.


End file.
